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It started when I noticed my sleep was no longer restful. I’d wake up feeling like I’d already been active for hours. Then came the reaction distortions — I’d begin to turn my head before deciding to. I don’t mean zoning out. I mean my muscles acting before my will. That alone was disturbing. But the real shift began with speech. Or thought-speech.

They say the sentence — inside my head — just before I think it. Like it’s a live feed with a delay. I’ll try to suppress it, and the signal just gets more aggressive. Once I heard: “That’s not yours to block.” Another time: “We operate you now.” Always calm. Always male. Always timed perfectly to undermine confidence.

The counselors here don’t understand. Or they pretend not to. I said once that I couldn’t feel “ownership” of my thoughts. She laughed gently and said, “We all feel a little out of control sometimes.” But this isn’t metaphorical. This is literal. I don’t feel out of control. I am out of control.

I regret accepting a place at Rowad Al Khaleej. I came here for opportunity, for global education, for something new. But I wasn’t told that Saudi Arabia experiments on people it labels insignificant. I wasn’t told that students — foreigners, especially — could become silent test subjects.

I’ve been watching the patterns. The east wing triggers pressure behind my eyes. The hall near the chemistry lab gives me vertigo. I’ve stopped eating lunch in the cafeteria because every time I sit near the rear exit, my skin begins to crawl. I feel something pass through me. It lasts seconds. Then the numbness comes.

I’ve started missing words when I speak. Mid-sentence gaps. Not laziness — erasure. My handwriting has changed. I look at old notebooks and barely recognize it. Memory slices out pieces I used to rely on. Emotional reactions don’t align with what’s happening around me. The other day I felt like crying because someone asked what time it was.

I can’t say this out loud. I’m not even sure if writing it is safe. But if I don’t — then there really is nothing left of me.

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